Tetsujin – Dani Valent

restaurant review tetsujin dani valent

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4th floor, Emporium, via Caledonian Lane, Melbourne, 9663 9993

My score: 2.5/5

There are good things to say about Tetsujin. I know it because my 10-year-old listed them, unprompted, a few days after we visited. “I love sushi trains,” she exclaimed. “They are so fun and exciting for the whole family and we should have one at home, not just for sushi, but for every meal.” Right, that’s the next birthday sorted.

I am not fond of sushi trains and the panicky gluttony they promote. I don’t think food should parade in a show of endless bounty. I don’t like the lack of human interaction and the way the body becomes just another part of the production line. I bristle; this doesn’t feel like dining but it doesn’t feel like functional fuelling either because there’s something inherently unsatisfying about eating while being distracted by the next morsel and the one after that and the one after that. The plates piling up on the table (counted at the end to tally up a bill) are unwelcome evidence of the sushi smash-n-grab. It’s the antithesis of being in the moment and sushi, I think, should be all about appreciating something simple and stunningly good.

Of course, the train has truly left the station on this one and there’s no point standing on the platform griping. Sushi is a shopping strip staple, a school lunch tick-box item, a reasonably healthy mainstream snack. Fine. And kids – and plenty of grown-ups – love it when it rolls around on a conveyor belt.

Tetsujin is a new iteration of the genre, next to cult dumpling restaurant Din Tai Fung. You can enter from within the centre’s whirligig of escalators but there’s also a distraction-free lift that will take you straight there from Caledonian Lane, on the corner of Little Bourke Street.

The restaurant is attractive and bright with natural light and city views. It’s nice to get the ‘irasshaimase’ welcome chorus upon arrival and service from the international crew is staff-manual friendly. There’s bar seating along the curving train line under cool circular lights that look like train hand-holds. Tables for larger groups spur perpendicular to the tracks. Touch-screens are on hand for ordering hot dishes and drinks. A separate area offers DIY Japanese barbecue in the evenings.

The sushi is freshly made behind the bar. It’s all decent, neat and serviceable but I didn’t think anything was great. The rice wasn’t glossy or pearly. The fish wasn’t distinctive. Mayonnaise was a key ingredient. Everything blurred.

It’s not that I expect more for $3.30 a plate, more that I’d rather spend it somewhere that didn’t make me feel like a factory functionary. Sorry to be a spoilsport but I’m touching off this train. My kids, however, will ride to the end of the line.

See their website.

More for the kids:

Big Huey’s Diner, 315 Coventry Street, South Melbourne, 9686 1122.
The easygoing burger and hotdog-heavy menu make Huey’s a pretty painless place to feed the whole family. Kids are welcome for live music sessions on Friday evenings and Sunday afternoons.

Shanghai Street, 146 Little Bourke Street, Melbourne, 9662 3226.
Go outside peak times for queue-free seating and quick service. The classic xiao long bao soup dumplings are an easy win.

North Point Cafe, 2B North Road, Brighton, 9596 9196.
Shaded outdoor tables and the adjoining playground are the big draws here. Everything on the kids’ menu is under $10.

First published in The Age, January 17th, 2016.

2018-05-04T16:41:38+10:00

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