Woodlands Hotel – Dani Valent

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84-88 Sydney Road, Coburg, 9384 1122

My score: 3/5

I can’t honestly say I liked the décor at the Woodlands, an old pub that’s been given an extreme makeover, but I was amazed and sometimes flummoxed by it. In the upstairs dining room, massive nutcracker soldiers loom over tables, one of which is headed by a large throne. The carpet works like an Alice in Wonderland optical illusion, there are plush blue booths and a general impression of gleaming fanciness. It’s comfortable and quiet.

Communication with the downstairs bar and kitchen is via radio mic, which is weird but, I guess, practical. Walkways are lined with statuary and trinket-filled museum cases. At rear, there’s a pot-planted smokers’ barn with plenty of wrought iron, which is picked up in triffid-like ironwork in the ladies’ bathroom. I’m not sure if it’s overwrought irony or earnest decoration but the decor certainly offers talking points.

The food is by Jocelyn Riviere (ex-Courthouse in North Melbourne) and the menu reflects his Mauritian heritage in exotic dishes like split pea fritters and pork with choko fricassee.* There’s plenty to enjoy: the food is skillfully cooked, pert where it should be and yielding in the right places. Those fritters are appropriately crunchy and substantial without being stolid, lightened by fresh tomato chutney. House-made boudin noir (black pudding) is fried with tomatoes and chilli to create a substantial starter with lovely depth. Grilled chicken ribs are slathered in lime-spiked peanut dressing for tasty snacking. Eggplant curry is just the right side of squeaky. Cold rare roast beef is topped with tomato sorbet and candied tamarind: it intrigues if not delights. Overall, flavours in different dishes overlap too much – there seems to be tomato in almost everything. The oozy caramel banana tart outguns an eggy coconut pudding on the dessert list.

Service is eager and endearing but I experienced basic errors, like bringing all the food at once then spending much time fitting it onto the table like a difficult jigsaw. We were asked many times if we liked everything but not often enough if we wanted more wine. Woodlands offers plenty of enticements to locals with curry and barbecue nights and a welcoming array of board games. If jarring food and service issues were smoothed away I’d be curiouser to return to this curious wonderland.

* Chef and cuisine changed in May 2013.

See their website.

More distinctive decor:

Lui Bar, Level 55, Rialto, 525 Collins Street, Melbourne, 9691 3888
Dress up before you head up to the bar at Vue de Monde. The view is ridiculously good but the internal gawking is good too, especially the plastic clouds hanging over the bartenders.

Rosetta, Crown Promenade, Southbank, 8648 1999
Neil Perry’s new Italian restaurant is a marbled, velveted extravagance that suggests Sophia Loren is about to sink into a burgundy banquette and order prosecco.

Wabi Sabi Garden, 17 Wellington Street, St Kilda, 9529 8505
There’s a lantern tree in the middle of this sweet and unassuming Japanese restaurant, and a peaceful garden out the back.

First published in The Age, March 10, 2013

2017-09-18T17:04:32+10:00

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